Happy new year.
I seriously wish I could take the whole holiday seriously, but I guess I can't. Don't get me wrong, I drank plenty and chatted with lots of people. I'm still drunk as of this writing, so it's all probably riddled with errors, confusing, and stylistically bad. But who really gives a shit?
I did want to say something about New Year's resolutions and then I'll go pass out and hibernate for a few months or something. I'm not feeling all that great after tonight, and I actually thought about writing a self-pitying article about giving up on relationships, but then I realized that it'd be boring, depressing, and that nobody would give a shit. Plus, in all reality, my problems in the world pale in comparison to literally the overwhelming majority of the world's problems, so I really don't have any good basis for bitching anyway.
That, and I haven't stored up enough brown fat stores to hibernate, so I might actually have get food every week or so, thus defeating the initial purpose of hibernation. I really wish I could just not have to deal with anyone ever again. I think it'd be fun to be a hermit. Or a hermit crab. They have pretty shells, but they can't breathe underwater. So, maybe a lobster would be better. Then again, I'd literally be eating shit all day. A shark would be cool, too, but I'm a vegetarian. I guess that would change pretty quickly, though, if I became a shark. I'd get sick of the swimming unless I was a nurse shark, because they're one of the few sharks that don't have to swim to keep breathing. Sea turtles rock, too, and technically speaking they live forever if not riddled by disease or eaten. Would I want to live forever? I dunno.
But I digress.
I'm not making any New Year's resolutions this year. Statistically, 37% of all resolutions are broken by the end of February, and by this time next year, only 3% of all of them have been fulfilled. Yes, that means you're not going to stop smoking, and you're probably not even going to work out every day like you had hoped, either. Nope. All in all, your attempts to change are probably futile. It's possible that you might be one of the 3 in 100 that will actually go through with the whole thing, but seriously, who are you kidding?
If you actually do want to change something, do yourself a favor: start your new year's resolution in July, like I did. You don't need a bullshit holiday based on a flawed timekeeping system to justify actions furthering the desires to look good, be healthy, or find success. If you do, then you're not strong enough to go through with the whole thing anyway and you'll end up being like the other 97% of everyone. Don't believe me? Go ahead and try it. I dare you. Never fear, this article will still be here haunting you long after you've failed miserably.
It's win/win for me. If you end up being one of the 3% I'll just say that I motivated you correctly. Otherwise, I'll just blame it on your ineptitude. :P
But seriously, don't make New Year's resolutions. If you want a couple pointers from the psych guy on how to keep a "resolution," here ya go:
Start your New Year's resolution either December 28th, April 28th, or August 28th. If you can't fathom the concept of a new year's resolution starting in the middle of a year, then it's useless and you should find a new resolution. I started mine (working out) in July, and while I've slipped multiple times in the last 8 years or so, it's far from failing my New Year's resolution, particularly because I was 100% successful for the ensuing year.
Start small. If it's been decades since you worked out, saying, "I'll work out five times a week" is asking for failure. Start once or twice a week and go from there. Want to stop smoking? Start by simply cutting back the daily cigarette intake by a single cigarette every week or two. I'd argue that 9 times out of 10, most failed resolutions result from people setting too high of expectations, probably because of this country's obsession with instant gratification. Start slow and work up unless you have an iron will. Of course, if you have an iron will, you wouldn't be making New Year's resolutions, now would you?
Resolve alone. If you make a resolution, don't base it on another person. Don't quit smoking because of or with a friend. I could write a whole paper on why you shouldn't be motivated by reasons other than intrinsic ones, and why doing so tends to result in failure, but honestly, I'm too tired and drunk at the moment. Just trust me on this-- walk the road of resolution alone. If you do, you'll feel better a year from now when you've succeeded.
Talk about it. Statistically speaking, the more public you are about something to which you've committed, the more likely you are to follow through. That's of course not bulletproof, but it's a good extra step to take. For example, if you resolve to quit smoking, tell everyone. Make sure everyone knows-- your family, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, wife, babysitter-- EVERYONE. That way, when (not if) you start slipping, you might think twice when everyone's tacitly laughing at your ineptitude behind your back because you can't even keep a promise to yourself, conceivably much less anyone else as well. Of course, if you're competitive like me, you'll realize that the odds are on your side if you actually do succeed, because you'll have beaten 97% of everyone in the country on something as simple as keeping a promise.
I could probably brainstorm a few others, but in all honesty, can't you do the same thing? Next time you think about popping on the TV, opening up a book, or drinking a glass of wine, try sitting for 10 minutes all alone to think over shit. I know, it's idle, scary, and strange, but it might just change your life. Maybe then you won't have to sit around reading some stupid college kid's guide for keeping New Year's resolutions that he posted on his hole-in-the-wall, could-be-the-name-of-a-porn-site blog while drunk.
Wednesday is 2007's Doomsday, by the way, so when you're trying to figure out what day of the week 7/11 or 11/7 or 6/6, 8/8, 10/10, 12/12, 9/5 or 5/9 falls on, you can impress your friends and say "Wednesday." Google it. I always find it interesting, but I'm a nerd who doesn't really fit in anywhere despite my most ernest attempts and desperate longings... so on second hand you probably shouldn't google it, otherwise you might turn out like me, and I wouldn't want to wish this shit on anyone.
[Happy] New Year.
