Never Censored

I love how whenever anything ever goes terribly wrong in someone's life, the comforting and reassuring words that get yapped by some person invariably posit that, "Everything happens for a reason." I'm sick of people saying this to me, mainly because they're the same yuppie assholes who believe in imaginary men in the sky, drive big SUV's, and like to smash people over their heads with tire irons because of whom they like to sleep with. It's a phrase used to blow smoke up people's asses in order to make them believe that there is some divine plan that requires this catastrophe to occur in order for another good thing to come of it.

Clearly, this is bullshit. Some people just have really, really bad luck, while some people have really, really good luck. Most people fall in the center, and have both good and bad luck, in around equal proportions, despite always remembering the bad luck over the good. All in all, we're really talking about luck-- not some divine plan.

But, let's say we are talking about some divine plan for a second. In scientific terms, we'll test the null hypothesis. Let's assume that everything does, in fact, have a reason, and that all the bad and good shit that happens to you, no matter how small or large, actually happens for a reason. After all, in order for the big things to happen, a series of small things have to happen as well, and for the small things to happen, constituent smaller parts also factor in. In fact, just going to sleep one microsecond earlier or later than a given time could, technically, either involve you in a car accident 12 hours later, or spare your life. So yes, everything happens for a reason, and the chi of the universe is in perfect harmony.

Enter the paradox. Prepare for mind melt....