Never Censored

Okay, our country currently has a problem with fatness. Yet, at the same time, we are all obsessed with hotness through deploring fatness. So, I think there's a relatively easy way to fix the fatness problem, and it lies not in diet pills and gastric bypass surgery. I propose smaller clothes. At first glance, this is counterintuitive. After all, why on earth would you want fat people running around in tighter-fitting clothes? But the answer, at its root, is simple: because then they’d realize they’re lard-asses on a more constant basis and thus try to correct it.

Okay, I'm sick as of this writing. Something about drinking all weekend and the sudden change of temperature fucked me up from Sunday onward. Anyway, as a result, I don't have the energy to post something controversial and inexorably offensive.

... BUT: there is something I do wish to talk about, and it's Valentine's Day. It's coming up in about a month or so here, and for those of you who have boyfriends/girlfriends, congratulations. For those that don't, it totally sucks. But anyway, there's something that's been constantly bugging me about the whole Valentine's Day thing (aside from the whole reminder to those who are single that you're miserable), and it consists of the most popular gift given on that day: the rose.

Now, by all means, roses are pretty. They smell good, and overall, they've been used to represent the magnitude of one's love for a while. Unfortunately, they end up costing some $100 bucks around this time of year; so, I propose a much better symbolic gesture in replacement of roses: potatoes.

Some of you are like, "dude, wtf are you thinking? Potatoes?" But when you come to think of it, it really makes more sense than roses (aside from the considerably lower cost). First, roses only last a couple of weeks-- and that's if you put them in water, refrigerate them, and/or keep your cat away from them. Effectively, they only exist to look pretty for a short period of time. That's like saying "My transitory love for you is based solely on your appearance, and it'll be gone by next month. Oh yeah, and I hate your cat."

Potatoes, on the other hand, last forever. Not only will they not rot, they'll even grow shit if you just leave them in the sack. That, alone, should be reason to give someone a potato, as it translates directly: "Our love will last forever; and, not only will it not rot away into nothing, it will grow without us even having to try." Seems better, eh?

A rose also has thorns, and thorns cause pain. They have no secondary function for love-showing, except if your a unicorn and the thorn represents your horn or something. But then you'd be a unicorn, and you'd be rare, and you'd have more problems to worry about than Valentines Day. Anyway, giving someone a rose with a thorn is like saying, "Every time I touch you I feel pain and sometimes you draw blood." Sounds more like a vampire to me. Then, if you remove the thorns, you have then made the love superficial: "I love you, because I forcibly removed all bad aspects about you."

Potatoes possess no such trait. They are completely innocent; and, moreover, they might be even sweeter than originally expected if you cut into a sweet potato that looks like a normal one. No unexpected stabbing with a potato. Thus you have, "Not only do I not have to worry about you hurting me, but you might be even better once I strip you naked."

Also, roses can only be used for one thing: to look pretty. You can't make anything useful of it, and, like I said, they die very quickly (and they're a bitch to raise). Potatoes, on the other hand, can be made into shit that nobody would ever expect. Ever make a potato battery? Yep, that shit rocks. Thus, you've converted the rose statement of "Our love is only useful to put on display" to the potato phrase of "This shows how many different ways in which I show my love for you."

Plus, potatoes might be hideous-looking, but they're still flat-out awesome. That's like saying, "It doesn't matter what you look like, I will still love you."

So, instead of wasting your money on pointless, empty roses, give your loved one potatoes this Valentine's Day. Just make sure to explain your gift so that they don't throw your "love" back at you in disgust.

Cheers.