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Saturday, September 23. 2006
Potential Anti-Theft Devices
I've realized that as of late, many anti-theft devices seem not to work too well. Car alarms are particularly shitty, so I decided to brainstorm a few replacements for common security devices:
- Killer Pet Anaconda.
Imagine if someone tried to break into your brand new BMW and found a massive snake waiting to eat them whole. I'd be willing to bet that all you'd need is one big-ass snake to eat some carjacker's foot off ONCE, and crooks all across America would think twice about breaking into expensive cars. We'd need full cooperation from the legal system, as well. None of this pussy bullshit about the robber suing over the snake biting his leg off-- the judge would have to be like "dude, you shouldn't have broken into the car if you didn't want your leg gnawed off." That'd be fuckin' sweet. - Auto-destructing car.
No doubt, the coolest anti-theft deterrant would be the car that automatically explodes if someone carjacks it. First, the guy would break into the car. Second, the car would warn the guy that he's clearly stealing the car. This would give legitimate owners ample warning to disarm the system. Finally, if the carjacker persists, the car will be quiet until the person tries to start the car... then BOOM! No more carjacker, and no more car. I'd prolly argue that if properly executed, this would bring carjackings to nearly zero, and eventually you could remove the explosive element from the cars and keep the voice. That way, carjackers won't know whether they're gonna get explodified or not. - Exploding seat. This would be the miniature version of the exploding car, but would only explode the driver's seat. The idea here is that the carjacker will have to make a choice-- either he keeps the car, or keeps his balls-- literally. This serves a double purpose: we prevent carjackings, and we prevent carjackers from having kids. It's win/win.
- Portal of Death.
Say someone actually manages to steal your car. What better device to rid the car of its carjacker than a portal of death generator? This way, he'll be cruising down the road, calling all his buddies, and thinkin' he's the shit. Right about the time you'd be calling the police, guess what your car's doing? Yep, it's generating a high-intensity portal of death. Before the carjacker even knows what's happening, every molecule in his body is instantly transported to another dimension, leaving your car intact. This method could prove problematic, as the without the automatic ignition shutoff package, your car may be left running for hours before the police get there, thus wasting gas.
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